Friday, October 17, 2014

Friday Fun - The Relationship Self-Help Guide for Men


Relationships take two, and Jennifer Rae's got all the advice for today's modern man in her Self-Help Guide on the Pink Heart Society... 

I love books. I love the dusty, papery smell of an old book and the crack as you bend the spine of a new book to flick the pages all the way through. I devour every word. From the dedication and author note right through to the back cover blurb. I even read that bit that no one reads. The name of the publisher and the MXIIICM business. I love all books. Romance, mystery, classics, thriller, non-fiction. 

I am a completely mad, passionate, shameless book lover. But there’s one type of book I can’t warm to. The only shelf in the book shop I veer right away from, avoiding them all as if the minute I walk past and glance at them they’ll hurl themselves at me and demand I buy them. Which genre is it that I could so callously shun?

Self-help.

There. I’ve said it. Not a fan. I know, I know. Eat Pray Sleep is an inspirational masterpiece. Dr Phil has taught people how to finally ‘get real’. Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus has changed lives. I know, I know. 

But I can’t help thinking these books are mainly directed at women. The relationship ones anyway. And that irks me. I mean – is it really all our fault? 

Why are we the ones who have to read the books and understand and forgive and allow love into our hearts. It takes two to peel a potato – if you know what I mean and I reckon there should be a self-help guide for men. A practical, no nonsense, let’s-get-amongst-it guide to The Things Men Could Do Better in Relationships. And by jingies, I think I might just be the woman to write it. 

So here goes.



The Relationship Self-Help Guide for Men from the Woman who Hates Self Help Guides.  

It’s a working title, but you get the idea:

8.  Flowers. Pick em. Grow up. Order em. Have em delivered. Girls like flowers. Don’t be skimpin’ on the flowers. Just sayin'.

7.  When we say the gutters are full/the bins need taking out/Jimmy has to be picked up from soccer – it would be really great if you could perhaps manage to sort that within the next few hours – not years. Seriously. Divorce rates would drop like a big-bottomed lady in a nightclub.

6.  When you take a lady out on a first date: Open the freakin door. Offer to pay. Compliment her frock. We ladies may love a bad boy but he’s gotta be hiding a good boy under there somewhere. Never underestimate the sexiness of good manners.

5.  If we text you, please text back. Immediately. Or within minutes. You see, us gals are Queens of the Overthinking. Within 30 seconds we're thinking, that’s cool. He’s probs just a slow reader. After a minute; tiny balls of sweat are forming on our brows but – it’s ok, clearly he’s just thinking of what to write back. By the time it hits two minutes our heart rate is starting to rise and a nervous twitch has appeared in our eye. He’s with someone, that’s why he’s not responding. He’s got another sodding woman in his bed and cannot text me back because she’s right there
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By five minutes a pounding headache has formed, we’ve broken at least three glasses, kicked the cat and are now sitting with a very large glass of chardonnay, playing Adele loudly, tears running down our face, wondering how it all went wrong. Trust me on this one. Text. Her. Back.

4. Three days is too long to wait before contacting us post-sex. The government approved amount of time you must wait before sending us a text or giving us a call after we have sex for the first time has been analysed and researched by a highly qualified team (of myself and my best friend Meegs over a bottle of wine and packet of Burger Rings) and the amount of time we have come up with is…as soon as you feel the rush of wind on your face outside our door. 

It’s not creepy, weird or clingy to send us a text as you’re leaving the house. And if you must wait a few hours (perhaps you’ve broken your texting fingers or something) the question “How are you feeling gorgeous?” pretty much guarantees you a round two.

3.  If you meet a girl, think she’s cute, go talk to her and she throws you a curly comment, don’t stamp your feet, call her a name and walk away – defeated and stung by rejection. 

Her curly comment isn’t rejection. “Stop talking to me, go away,” is rejection. “Which homeless person did you need to rob for that shirt?” is a test. She wants to know if you’re up to the challenge. Can you make her laugh? Are you her intellectual equal? Does your wit and charm outweigh the fact that your nose hairs are too long? 

You see, we women are quite forgiving creatures. We don’t mind a tubby tummy or thinning hair or an outrageously bad Hawaiian shirt. We know we can sort all that later. What we need to know is if you’re going to make us happy or break our heart. Simple as that. 

By responding with “You have no idea about fashion, this is like a totes vintage original,” and retreating in a huff pretty much guarantees you’re the King of The Douche and you’ll break our heart. “His name was Bruce. He fought the good fight but in the end the best man won and to the victor go the spoils,” delivered with a smile and the offer to buy a drink would definitely peak my interest and encourage me to tease a little more. 

You may not end up with the girl but I can assure you that if you find a way to make her laugh you are 99.9 percent there already, friend. Laughter is the world’s most under-appreciated aphrodisiac.

2.  Sex is a journey not a destination. Let me pop that in caps. 

A JOURNEY. 

As in…take the time to explore, it’s fun to sometimes get lost down the side roads and it’s ok to stop and ask directions every now and again. After all, you want to make sure she arrives at the destination at around about the same time you do. No one wins if you’re sippin’ champagne on the balcony while she’s busy parking the car. If you know what I mean.


1.  Fall in love with us every day. Find something to love about us. 

Remind yourself of what it was that you loved and tell us. Women are by nature a loving species. 

We want to love you. We want to make you happy. But we don’t like to be crossed, disrespected or ignored. 

So put down the self-help books and immerse yourself in wild, crazy, weird, passionate love with us. Trust me, you won’t need any help once you’ve won the love of the woman you love back.

So there it is. The Relationship Self-Help Guide for Men from the Woman who Hates Self Help Guides. But I’ve only included my top 8. 

What would you include in my brilliant self-help book? What things have men done to completely stuff up your first impression or first dates? 

Jennifer's latest book release is Sex, Lies & Her Impossible Boss, where her heroine routinely focuses on the relationship self-help in her tv show:


'There's no such thing as "just sex", Cash'

When the new boss of Faith Harris's TV station, the famously ruthless and annoyingly gorgeous Cash Anderson, tells her he'll be cancelling her sex and relationships show she knows she's in for a fight. She's worked her silk-clad butt off to get her high ratings, and no man's going to take them away from her - however hot under the collar he secretly gets her...

But sugar's better than vinegar any day, so Faith decides to prove to Cash just how meaningful her show really is. The only trouble is, it's also rather... risque. And there was enough chemistry between them even before Faith set about proving just how riveting sex can be...!

To find out more about Jennifer and her books, you can visit her website and follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

4 comments:

  1. I love it! I would buy this book for the hubby and son. It's funny...and accurate!

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    1. Sooo many more tips where that came from...like 'When you ask her how her day was, look at her. Not the cat, not what's happening outside the window, not your phone and defs not the TV. Or if you're going to avoid her eyes after asking about her day - try not to ask her in the kitchen. Waaay too many weapons for her to use. It's not enought to ask the right questions, you need to LISTEN to her response. After all spatulas hurt when slapped on your skin with force.'

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  2. Great post, Jen. Oh point number seven...this is literally the single one thing I fight about with my husband. Drives me bananas!!

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    1. This is a universal problem Steph. I find threatening to hire a tradie works well. Nothing lights a fire under a man more than him thinking he has to pay for something he 'literally could do himself in half the time and for half the cost.' Silly boys - but we love them so!

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